Where does the counterfeit film come from

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Real guys are on the rise - attitude and manpower are in demand again. Anyone who is in the juice, doesn't care about moral concerns and wants to get rid of excess potency can easily earn a few euros - as a sperm donor. The job is easy. Turn your hobby into a job.

by JIMMY DEIX

In a restaurant in Wels The soldiers from the nearby Hessen barracks meet regularly to drink a few mugs together. Recruit Bernhard Auinger looks quite self-satisfied today. Not just because it has an exit. Bernie, as his comrades call him, leans relaxed against the bar and is already enjoying his second Gösser. His smile is triumphant. “Why is he grinning so stupidly?” Ask the others and “why does he have so much money for beer?” The solution to the riddle: Bernie tore up a part-time job. And what a one. He is somehow embarrassed, but he can no longer hold back from telling the crowd: “I'm a sperm donor,” he whispers to his friends. Wehrmann Josef "Joe" Mayrhofer, who was just about to sip his glass, snorts the head of foam across half the restaurant. When the message is reported, the others have carbon dioxide hissing through their nostrils. It is a tightrope walk between disbelief and envious recognition that fills the smoky room of the dreary dive bar. "What really? Without abuse ...? "

Sperm donor wanted. There are supposed to be quite a few men for whom family planning turns out to be a "big blow". Every seventh is affected. In such cases, the fertility clinic in Thalheim near Wels makes dreams of family happiness come true. Everything here is sensitive and discreet. “Gods in white” know what to do with fears and doubts. Dr. Leonhard Loimer is the owner of the private fertilization clinic. 2006 was his most successful year so far with over 600 treatments. The trained gynecologist celebrates "an excellent pregnancy rate of 45 percent on the first attempt" (each additional attempt costs extra, by the way).


But where does the semen come from if the husband cannot? Due to increased demand, Dr. Loimer is ready to pay every healthy gentleman 70 euros for a single shot - as "expense allowance". After that, the donation has to be put in the frozen nitrogen container for six months. Minus 170 degrees Celsius dispel any fear of hepatitis. Due to bottlenecks - the demand for artificial insemination is enormous - the clinic turned to the Austrian Armed Forces with confidence. Soldiers and basic military servants there eke out a sexual emergency anyway. There are “too few sperm donors”, according to a letter from the clinic to the “responsible department” of the Army Logistics Center. “I have to admit, the request caused a big smile at the department head meeting,” admits officer Alexander Barthou. Surprisingly, the military command approved the transmission of the unusual matter to the garrison. The appeal was posted on the bulletin board of the barracks leisure exchange: “Fertilization clinic is looking for sperm donors”. Hundreds of people answered promptly. Since then, the telephones at the fertility clinic have been ringing like in a call center. The medical assistant Ramona Schausberger speaks of a "sensational rush". Colonel Barthou clarified that the army had not given a "recommendation" to donate. So no shooting order after all ?!

Sperm donors in rank and file. The return coach to the brazen campaign was not long in coming. Above all, the Diocese of Linz reported criticism, which speaks of “dubious business dealings”. Military bishop Christian Werner also fears that "a dominance of technology over the origin and destination of the human person will be established". He advises childless couples to adapt or "to another form of generous service to orphaned children". In his statement, he morally rejects artificial insemination and insemination, "because they separate procreation from the act in which the spouses give themselves to each other," said Austria's top military chaplain. In addition, "the child's right to descend from a father and a mother" is grossly violated. This humane insight is not only provided for in the catechism of the Catholic Church - it is also anchored in the Federal Constitutional Law: At the age of 14, the child has the right to know who the biological father is. So the sperm donor shouldn't be surprised if one day - Ding Dong! Hello dad! - suddenly a teenager stands on his mat.

“I don't want to know who my biological father is,” asserts Doron Blake (20). The filmmaker is an offspring of the "factory of genius" of Robert Graham, that eccentric millionaire and inventor who in 1980 set up a "Nobel Prize-winning seed bank" - the most radical human breeding experiment the USA has ever seen to date. With an IQ of over 180, Blake became the figurehead of the “Mad Professor”, who by 1999 produced more than 200 girls and boys, for whose fatherhood scientists, mathematical geniuses, successful businessmen and star athletes were used. “These children are ambassadors from a future that weighs heavily on us,” fears author David Plotz. Because what should become of children who are programmed to be great. His outlook on an age of genetic expectations that has long since dawned in California reminds many of eugenics, the selective human discipline of Hitler, who, as is well known, preferred blondes.

Always ready - the Allensteig sperm bombers. Austrians like to donate for everything. Why not seeds too? A qualified donor, as required by the statutes, should be at least 1.70 meters tall, between 19 and 38 years old, heterosexual and in good health. This reminds Wehrmann Josef “Joe” Mayrhofer of the draft six months ago. “Full Metal Jacket” was a shit on the other hand. Shortly before bedtime, when everyone was already in the bunk beds, a mad corporal yelled through the barrack that masturbation was forbidden at night - otherwise there would be “too much protein in the urine sample” in the morning. Just not a “cold farmer” on wool blankets in camouflage - but the next “Zapfenstreich” is sure to come. Joe has been with this "shitty club", as he calls it, for seven months. No women far and wide. The only “blonde” he can ever get his hands on is a cool light for 3 euros 60. No wonder that at the end of his military service he wants to be nothing more than “a completely fat disarmament”. The idea of ​​the job as a sperm donor never lets him go. As a horny career planner, he projects the daily readiness with a double-digit euro amount. Commercial masturbation - a future opportunity for a wanker like him?

Babies by e-card. There are also commercial cryonic sperm banks in Austria. The health insurance companies even cover the costs. The patient is left with a deductible, which can be submitted to the tax office as an "extraordinary burden". In order to be able to justify this morally, people like to talk about “male impotence” or “communicable hereditary diseases”. Environmental influences and poor nutrition would ruin the quality of the seeds. A straightforward declaration of war on the Lords of Creation. "I find this anti-male tone inappropriate," says Thomas, father of five children. "My wife will get pregnant if she uses my soap while showering ..."
According to the Reproductive Medicine Act, only married couples are allowed to use the services of sperm donors in Austria. A bit hypocritical when you consider that the idea of ​​sperm donation comes from the women's rights movement and boomed for the first time with the emergence of AIDS in the early 1980s. Seen in this way, lucrative reproductive medicine by no means only serves sterile relationships. Elsewhere, 40 percent of the women who are single are who wish to have children without having to enter into a lifelong relationship with a man. The children of self-confessed lesbians such as Jodie Foster and star photographer Annie Leibovitz also come from sperm donors. The baby of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who Leibovitz photographed exclusively, comes personally from Mr. Papa and is homemade.

The semen trade is flourishing in the USA and is becoming more and more customer-oriented. If nature demands it, in urgent cases a so-called “overnight male” can be ordered from the California Cryobank within 24 hours. For a measly $ 195 plus shipping costs. No family planner will miss ovulation again. In the internet catalog there are white Caucasians, Latinos, Indians, Afro-Americans, but also exotic people to choose from. "Some customers want to mix," explains Cappy Rothman, owner of the seed bank and FedEx's largest client in Southern California. 2,500 ampoules with sperm are sent to 45 countries every month. Rothman is also a pioneer in posthumous semen collection and was the birth helper of the first post-mortem baby, born four years after the father's death. This technology is already essential for US troops in Iraq. More often, however, anonymous donor profiles give cause for hope. About Donor # 431: Place of Birth: Panorama City, CA; Mother: Russian Polish woman; Father: Turk; Religion: jewish; Favorite food: Mexican, hamburgers; Artistic skills: none; Hobbies: tennis, acting ... If you are not sure, you can request a baby photo from the donor.

In California, cryonics freaks are already making more billions than large film studios. Thanks to pink-blue web portals called Mothergoose or Hellobaby A lively middleman is flourishing with the Fusion babies, but they cannot be exchanged or returned. In the USA everything is less complicated, without preliminary examinations and hundreds of tests: "I simply had my sperm donation sent to me by FedEx," says Lynn Archer from Santa Barbara. Every woman can do the insemination at home with a syringe - comfortably on the couch by candlelight. "If the messenger is nice, he'll bring a pizza with him ..."

Unwanted complications cannot be excluded. For a part-time genetic supplier from Stockholm, the shot backfired. He is now allowed to pay alimony - for three children who are testimony to his loin strength. That was decided by a court. The Swede's sperm had been given to a lesbian couple. But later the women separated. The biological mother went to court and made maintenance claims on the poor man. He'll certainly take a beer too. Skol!
But even harder, namely hammer hard, hit Anne Nicole Smith - actress, stripper, model for Guess jeans and H&M. In the summer of 1994 she became a Playmate and shortly afterwards the wife of 89-year-old oil billionaire J. Howard Marshall - and with that she became suddenly famous. Her son Daniel died last September, only 20 years old. Methadone and antidepressants were involved. Daniel's father was an anonymous sperm donor. Now he has turned up and sues for the inheritance of his "son" whom he did not even know. “The guy agreed to impregnate her and then disappear,” a friend wonders, “now he wants the inheritance.” The irony: Smith's sex bomb undoubtedly represents the type of woman that many donors in the individual cabin are targeting Side stood.

Ken Rigberg, 28, was also too trusting and earned a few bucks with occasional jerk jobs for Pacific Reproductive Services in Pasadena. Up to 65 times a year. Recently, however, he discovered an "unusual hole" in the ceiling at his workplace. A surveillance camera was hidden behind it - aimed at what was happening in the cabin. Rigberg feels “emotionally compelled” and litigated. Because he fears further voyeurism, he no longer visits the clinic, where he used to pick up 100 dollars twice a week to finance his studies.

The job is easy. Tight guys don't need candlelight or musk oil to get in the mood. But the ambience in the fertilization clinic is hypothermic and unromantic. Noble donors have to go through this. Home work does not apply. Joe is here today to stand his ground. High-definition TV, DVD player, relevant specialist literature - everything is available. He expertly tastes the covers of the films. With open trousers staring at the flat screen in amazement to see once more: the sweetest grapes are hanging high. But flaking in a mug in this atmosphere is not the best thing. In the first quarter of an hour nothing works at all. The assistants outside are quite smart, but their Birkenstock sandals are not necessarily the heat-ups. Does the one with the long brown hair wear something from Agent Provocateur under her green coat? She could at least have a look and help him - with the "creaming off". Joe suddenly goes black. He roars like a deer. Aaaahhhh. It is finished. Later but still.

The assistant hardly noticeably raises her eyebrows over the planned target in the plastic box. It's no more than a teaspoon. He had been advised not to “do anything” three days beforehand - because of the better seed density. The result is not particularly good. A few days later the clinic announces that the "quality" is "insufficient" for its purposes and that it no longer needs to be provided. Joe feels insecure and bullied. Does the disappointed person need a sperm donor himself ?! How do the Americans say: It's a dirty job - but somebody got to do it!

© JIMMY DEIX - published in the magazineViennese,
January 2007

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